PREMARITAL COUNSELING

Overview

Premarital counseling is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage. This kind of counseling can also help you identify weaknesses that could become problems during marriage.

Premarital counseling is often provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists have graduate or postgraduate degrees — and many choose to become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). Counseling might be offered through religious institutions as well. In fact, some spiritual leaders require premarital counseling before conducting a marriage ceremony.

Why it's done

Premarital counseling can help couples improve their relationships before marriage. You'll be encouraged to discuss topics related to marriage, such as:

• Finances
• Communication
• Beliefs and values
• Roles in marriage
• Affection and sex
• Desire to have children
• Family relationships
• Decision-making
• Dealing with anger
• Time spent together

Premarital counseling helps partners improve their ability to communicate, set realistic expectations for marriage and develop conflict-resolution skills. In addition, premarital counseling can help couples establish a positive attitude about seeking help down the road.

Keep in mind that you bring your own values, opinions and history into a relationship, and they might not always match your partner's. For example, family systems and religious beliefs vary greatly. Many couples have experienced very different upbringings with different role models for relationship and marriage. Many people go into marriage believing it will fulfill their social, financial, sexual and emotional needs — and that's not always the case. By discussing differences and expectations before marriage, you and your partner can better understand and support each other during marriage.

How you prepare

The only preparation needed for premarital counseling is to find a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). Loved ones and friends might have recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program, clergy, or state or local mental health agencies also might offer recommendations.

Before scheduling sessions with a specific therapist, consider whether the therapist would be a good fit for you and your partner. You might ask questions such as these:

• Education. What is your educational and training background? Are you licensed by the state? Are you credentialed by the AAMFT?
• Experience. What is your experience with premarital counseling?
• Treatment plan. How long is each session? How many sessions should I expect to have?
• Fees and insurance. How much do you charge for each session? Do you accept my insurance?

What you can expect

Usually, each of you will be asked to separately answer a written questionnaire to determine how you feel about each another and the relationship. These forms can also help identify any strengths, weaknesses and potential problem areas. Together, you and your counselor will interpret your results and discuss areas of common unhappiness or disagreement. You'll set goals with your partner to help overcome challenges.

In addition, your counselor might ask you and your partner questions to find out your unique visions for your marriage and clarify your expectations and desires for your marriage.

Remember, preparing for marriage involves more than throwing a party to celebrate an engagement. Take the time to build a solid foundation for your relationship.

Premarital Counseling: What It Is And Why You Should Do It?

In this article we'll answer questions like "What is premarital counseling?", "Do we need premarital counseling?" and more, while giving practical information on premarital counseling resources and how you and your future spouse could benefit from pre-marriage counseling provided by a licensed therapist.

Congratulations! You're engaged to the love of your life. As soon as you said "yes" or popped the question you were probably caught up in envisioning the perfect life the two of you will share together and how you would tackle the wedding plans. The benefits of premarital counseling were probably one of the farthest things from your minds. However, as the date draws nearer you may begin to wonder how it could help strengthen your relationship with your significant other.

Pre-marriage counseling is actually something you and your future spouse may want to consider as part of your plan to build the strong marriage and life together that you're so excited about. Think of it like this: you've just settled on your dream honeymoon location, you can see your toes in the sand of a five-star resort, but you're not just going to end up there without a little planning and preparation to make sure everything goes just right. Instead, you'll either take the time to painstakingly research places on your own or you could work with a travel professional who can help you through the process and ensure you'll have the honeymoon of your dreams.

Professional premarital counseling is a bit like planning your honeymoon with a travel agent; while you'd most likely still have a great and successful marriage on your own, if you work with a professional premarital counselor then you can ensure you're fully prepared for marriage to your partner and to tackle any lingering questions or issues you may struggle with.

Some premarital counseling statistics

While counseling before marriage may not be something a lot of couples discuss openly there are some statistics (healthresearchfunding.org, n.d.) that indicate it does help prepare couples for a successful marriage.

• Couples who underwent counseling before their wedding had a 30% higher marital success rate than those who did not
• 44% of couples who get married today agree to premarital counseling
• The median amount of time couples spend in premarital counseling before getting married: 8 hours

What these statistics help show is that even a limited amount of time of premarital counseling with a professional can make difference in the outcome of a marriage. And as we'll discuss in the next section of this article, a lot of the benefit of pre-marriage counseling stems from an emphasis on learning how to effectively communicate with your partner, even when you face differences in opinion or other issues.

So, what is premarital counseling?

According to the Mayo Clinic, the definition of premarital counseling is "counseling that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship-giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage." In addition, counseling before marriage can also help couples identify weaknesses in their relationship that could potentially lead to problems or even the failure of a marriage. The Mayo clinic lists these topics as the primary focus of premarital counseling, and they can help give you some insight into what you can expect if you decide to prepare with counseling before marriage.

• Finances
• Communication
• Beliefs and values
• Marriage roles
• Affection, intimacy and sex
• Children and parenting
• Family relationships
• Decision making
• Dealing with anger
• Quality time spent together

Pre-marriage counseling is often provided by professionals over the course of just a few short sessions and may ask the couples to do a variety of activities and exercises both together and separately to better understand how they function together and their level of compatibility both in their current relationship and in their future marriage. These exercises may include a written test or questionnaire (which we will cover in an upcoming section of this article), acting out or responding to potential situations they may face in marriage (i.e. how to react to their spouse losing their job), creating marriage resolutions and goals, addressing issues that the couple has previously been avoiding, and identifying potential future causes of marital tension.

Different Types and Techniques of Premarital Counseling

Depending on your religious background, your reasons for seeking counseling before marriage, and the personality of you and your partner there are different types of pre-marriage counseling you can partake in. Choosing the right type of professional counseling for you and your significant other can greatly increase its effectiveness and the benefit you get out of the experience.

Religious premarital counseling - Many religious institutions require couples to attend some sort of counseling before performing the marriage ceremony. If you are planning on getting married in a house of worship check with whoever will be performing the ceremony beforehand to see what requirements they have. This can be a combination of different "secular" types, including group courses, one-on-one meetings with a religious advisor, and/or compatibility tests.

Online premarital counseling courses - If you and your partner prefer a more private experience there are online courses you can take. Online courses generally take no more than half a day and will help facilitate discussion with you and your partner and give thoughtful information about how to anticipate and positively respond to potential conflicts in your marriage. Typically you will receive a certificate of completion at the end of the course.

One-one-one professional counseling- Probably the most traditional method of pre-marriage counseling, meeting with a professional counselor is a great way to ensure your counseling is specifically tailored to your relationship. This means you can tackle the issues or struggles that you believe have the potential to cause future problems or that you simply value enough to want to start working on before you get married. Plus, when you're meeting with a professional counselor you know your sessions are completely confidential.

Compatibility tests or questionnaires - Often given in conjunction with other types of premarital counseling, compatibility tests (while sounding intimidating) are simply assessments designed to find areas where you and your partner already have a strong foundation of respect and communication and to identify areas that may require you to revisit and spend more time discussing. These assessments aren't meant to be a pass or fail test, leaving you and your partner feeling discouraged if you didn't achieve perfect compatibility. Instead, you will most likely see them used as a resource to help facilitate your professional counseling by ensuring that you're addressing what most needs to be addressed in your relationship.

Generally, these tests will consist of questions that you and your significant other will answer separately (may often by in the form of "never, sometimes, always" questions or other related forms) and then reconvene with your results to see where you may need to work on compatibility. If you'd like to get an idea of what types of topics or questions you'll see on these premarital questionnaires there are a variety of examples online. A simple "premarital questionnaire" search will give you plenty of results. Just note that they there are a multitude of versions and you most likely won't find the exact one you'll be given online.

Group courses and discussion-While couples generally don't just rely on group counseling for their marriage preparation, it can be helpful to have larger group discussions-both with engaged couples and married couples-to be exposed to different perspectives and ideas. You and your partner may learn of new strategies for conflict-resolution you hadn't thought of or feel a sense of relief in knowing that you aren't alone in struggling with a certain issue.

Benefits of Premarital Counseling

The obvious benefit of counseling before marriage is that you and your partner are taking steps to ensure your marriage will be stable and happy and that you'll have the necessary skills to cope with issues that will arise. However, a more detailed look at the benefits of premarital counseling can help you decide if professional counseling is right for you and your partner.

Create mutual goals and resolutions for your marriage - you and your partner may have different ideas of what specifically will mean you've achieved a happy and successful marriage. By discussing beforehand what you both hope to get out of your marriage you can determine a few resolutions that combine what you both want and give you common goals to work toward what you both believe in.

Understand, adapt to, and improve communication styles - Yes, that's quite a mouthful. But what it boils down to is you and your partner will better understand the strengths and weaknesses of your own and each other's communication styles and how to adapt to them to ensure that you'll be able to successfully talk through potential problems instead of ignoring them or arguing about them with no idea how to actually resolve the conflict.

Heading off potential conflicts before they become a problem - Do you know you have trouble saving money and that it drives your partner crazy? Premarital counseling will give you a chance to get issues like this and more out in the open before you say "I do." Often couples will avoid talking about issues they have, choosing to believe that in the glow of newlywed life they'll simply go away. This is the exact opposite of setting yourself up for a successful marriage. Instead, pre-marriage counseling will help you work through these issues now and help you understand that your differences don't need to lead to larger problems.

Dismiss marriage anxiety - For some people no matter how much they love their significant other, the thought of a lifelong commitment can still be cause for some anxiety. If you or your partner is dealing with this anxiety premarital counseling would be a great option for you. You can confront possible causes for the anxiety and work through them so that you both feel much more reassured that marriage will be a positive next step for your relationship.

How to make your premarital counseling successful

If you and your spouse decide that professional premarital counseling is for you there are ways you can help ensure you get the most benefit out of the experience. These include:

• Understand it will be challenging and it will cause you to discuss and face some issues that you'd rather leave alone-this is how you and your partner will grow in your relationship!
• Don't try to "cheat" or downplay thoughts and opinions to make it seem like you and your significant other are completely compatible-this completely ignores the point of the counseling, which is to face issues head on.
• Let go of the idea of "winner" and "loser" and instead embrace the idea that you're both on equal playing fields (even if you're discussing communication and one of you is the queen of the silent treatment).
• Respect that time with your counselor is a "safe zone" and that what you discuss with your counselor can't be fuel for future arguments or "I told you so" moments.
• Don't share what you discuss in counseling with anyone-even your closest friends and family members. What you discuss in counseling is solely for the ears of your counselor and partner, spreading that around will only break trust.

12 TOPICS YOU NEED TO DISCUSS BEFORE GETTING MARRIED

By Dr. Jim Walkup

Ever wonder what you need to talk about before you get married?  As a marriage counselor offering premarital counseling for many years, I have selected these as the most important topics along with questions for you to explore before you walk down the aisle. Trouble discussing any of these issues might suggest to you that sitting down with a premarital counselor could be helpful.  Don’t hesitate to start off on the right foot as you build your relationship to last a lifetime.

If I can be of help, please don’t hesitate to reach out, especially if you’re in the NYC, Midtown Manhattan or Westchester areas of New York. You can contact me directly at 914-548-8645. I’m happy to offer you a free consultation to explore what we can do together.

1. Meaning of Your Marriage Commitment

A. Describe what commitment means to you as you make plans to walk down the aisle?
B. Of all of the persons in your life that you have met and could have married, why are you choosing your partner?
C. What attracted you to your partner initially and what do you believe your partner will help you become?

2. Your Life Long Goals

A. What do you hope to achieve in the near future and the distant future regarding your career?
B. How do you plan to care for your community alone or separately?
C. Do you hope to leave a legacy after you die?

3. Your Mutual Expectations

A. What do you expect from a marital partner regarding emotional support during exciting times, sad times, periods of illness and job loss?
B. Will you set aside one night just to be together alone to catch up with each other and have fun?
C. What size house is important and in what kind of neighborhood do you hope to live in both now and in the future?
D. Are you both clear how much alone time the other needs?
E. How long does your partner need to spend with friends separately and together?
F. Do you agree with how much time is appropriate to give to work?
G. Do you both expect to support the family financially and will that be different when kids arrive?
H. Are you both comfortable with the salary differential between you?
I. How will you deal with times when one or both of you has reached a midlife career point, and you need to change some aspects of your life?

4. Your Living Arrangements

A. How do you plan to live together?
B. Where will you live after the arrival of children?
C. How do you determine if a new career path or job is reason enough to move?
D. Do you hope to live in the same house or area for a long time?
E. Will you need to be close to your parents either as you get together now or as they get older?

5. Will you have children and if so how many?

A. When do you plan to start a family?
B. How far apart would you want your kids to be in age?
C. Would abortion ever be acceptable before or after that?
D. What kinds of philosophies did your parents have about child raising and do you agree or disagree?
E. How do each of you intend to shape your children’s values
F. What kinds of punishment are appropriate or not appropriate?
G. What kinds of expectations do you each have about money spent on toys, clothes, etc.

6. Money

A. Will you have separate or joint checking accounts or both?
B. If you do have different accounts, who will be responsible for which expenses?
C. Who will pay the bills?
D. Do you agree to have full financial disclosure about each of your personal financial situation at all times?
E. How will strong disagreements about spending money be resolved?
F. Is there any debt that either partner has incurred before the marriage (ex. college or graduate school loans or credit card debt).
G. What amount of available money does each of you need to have to feel comfortable?
H. Will there be a savings plan for the first house?
I. Do you plan to keep trading houses as you can afford it?
J. How much credit card debt or home equity loan debt is acceptable?
K. Agreement about taking care of the financial needs of parents if likely?
L. Do you plan to send your kids to private or parochial school?
M. What will be the plans for children’s college education?
N. When do you hope to begin saving for retirement?
O. Will you use a financial planner?
P. Who will complete the taxes?

7. Parents and In-laws

A. How much time does each of you need to spend with your parents and how much do you expect your partner to join you?
B. How do you plan to spend the holidays?
C. What will be the holiday expectations of each of your parents and how will you deal with those expectations?
D. What kind of support do you expect from your partner when the parents are putting pressure on you?
E. Is it OK for either of you to talk with parents about the problems of the relationship?
F. What kind of relationship do you expect your kids to have with your parents?
G. Do you anticipate that you will ever want a parent to live with the two of you when you grow old?

8. Gender Role Expectations

A. What did your parents model for you concerning who did what in the family?
B. Did you feel that was fair and do you expect something different?
C. Does each of you have some preferences that might be unrelated to gender?
D. How will you deal with household or yard maintenance? How will you divvy up these responsibilities or hire someone?
E. Do both of you expect to work if you have children?
F. When the children get sick, how do you decide who stays home with them?

9. Do you agree on issues around erotic moments together?

A. How often do you want to enjoy an intimate evening with each other?
B. How do you intend to resolve differences in sexual preferences?
C. Can you work out an agreement about how to deal with differences in frequency of sexual desire?
D. Are there certain things that are clearly off limits?
E. Do you agree to talk about your sexual concerns at a time when you both are feeling creative and relaxed and not during sex?

10. How will you resolve heated conflicts?

A.  What can you learn about how your partner likes to deal with conflict based on their experience in their family of origin.
B. What feels comfortable to each of you, as your partner gets upset?
C. Can either of you ask for a timeout to calm down and be creative in your problem-solving?
D. What rituals will you develop to reach out to each other after a big fight?

11. Spiritual Life

A. What does spirituality mean to each of you?
B. What kind of participation do you expect in each other in some form of spiritual community?
C. How will you share what means something to you with them?
D. Will your children be expected to attend any regular services or religious education?
E. Will the children go through certain rituals such as baptism, christening, first communion, confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah?

12. Agreement about extramarital relationships/affairs

A. Do you want to establish from the beginning that affairs are not an option?
B. Do you agree that affairs of the heart are equal to a sexual infidelity?
C. Will you talk to your partner about someone that you feel drawn to as a colleague or erotically since this can build the bond between you and your partner rather than the outside person?
D. Will you commit to never talking to a person of the opposite sex (except a therapist or clergy) about your relationship with your partner since this builds a bond outside of your relationship?